Thursday, March 13, 2008

The New Orifice

Recently, The Onion ran the following article:

Pornography-Desensitized Populace Demands New Orifice To Look At
WASHINGTON— Jaded by the sight of what it deemed "run-of-the-mill" orifices, the nation's pornography-saturated populace released a statement Monday demanding a new bodily opening to leer at. "At this point, staring at an anus, vagina, or beckoning mouth has become so commonplace that it is no more titillating than ogling, say, the human elbow," the statement read in part, its list of demands specifying that the new orifice, wherever its location on the body, must be concealed by some sort of clothing or shroud during the majority of the day, so that the viewer grows more eager for its eventual revelation when its covering is seductively removed. "If at all possible, we'd prefer some sort of self-moistening orifice that grips tightly enough to constrain fingers and foreign objects, but also gapes wide enough to fit a human head." According to pornographic historians, there hasn't been a public outcry like this since 1989, when the nation's mainstream pornographic-film industry pacified its audience by unveiling the first penetrable asshole.
Yeah, it's funny. It would be even funnier if it weren't for the fact that there is a new orifice in pornography. And friends, it's a nasty one.

Before going any further, I'd like to say that ordinarily I don't think of Good Scares as a family blog. Horror -- at least the good stuff -- isn't something for the kiddies. (As a matter of fact, I think it's the urge to make horror into something "family friendly" that's contributing to its ongoing demise. But that's another post.) But on the whole I like to think this blog is something I wouldn't mind my family reading -- if they were aware of its existence and cared, two big ifs that I ain't holding my breath for.

But this post, well, let's just say it walks the line.

So, without any further ado, let me introduce you to this new orifice and all the things it can do.

Drumroll, please.

The new orifice is... the urethra. This tiny hole, through which urine and semen pass, is now being exploited by a practice called sounding or, less common but much more descriptive, stemming.

I'll let the words "urethra" and "stemming" sink into your imagination for just a moment, and see if you don't beat me to where I'm going with this.

Yeah. People -- mostly men, to my knowledge, but I see no reason women can't get in on the fun, too, save for the possibility of urinary tract infections -- are sticking things called "sounds" into their urethras. Sounds are polished stainless steel rods of various thicknesses. Originally developed to probe the cervix and clear obstructions from the urethra in hospitals, they are now being put to more recreational uses.

The goal, aside from enjoying the sensations (which must be especially violating, I would think) is to gradually increase the size of the urethral opening so that progressively larger and larger items may be inserted. Fingers. Cigar tubes. Though nothing as large as a human head, unfortunately. Yet.

If you're at all skeptical, if you think I'm making it up, Google "urethra play" and see what you see. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Please do not ask me how I know these things.

Now, I'm no prude. I've indulged in my share of indulgences and don't begrudge anyone doing anything to their own body or that of a willing partner as long as it doesn't result in death or one more horrible tattoo.

But stemming? ZOMFG -- it makes me cross my legs and cringe.

That is all. Thank you for your time. I'll see myself out.

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